God calls everyone to singleness for a season, and some to singleness for a lifetime. In either case, singleness is not a mistake or an aberration, and single Christians are not second-class! Vaughn Roberts writes, “A friend of mine once belonged to a young adult church group called ‘Pairs and Spares.’ Single people can be made to feel like spare parts in their families, social groups, and churches. One man was so fed up with being asked ‘Are you still single?’ that he began to respond, ‘Are you still married?’”
Singleness is a gift from God. That’s what the Bible teaches, and you can see it for yourself in Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians. However, singleness can only be received by those to whom it has been given. Many do not have that gift, but remain single because God has simply not provided a mate for them yet. That begs the question, what about those who are choosing to remain single, for reasons that are not good? Marriage is defiled in the minds of many by Hollywood, the media, and fairy tales. Some cannot find the “perfect mate,” so they keep playing the field. Not to mention that they are nowhere near the “perfect mate” themselves, for that person does not exist. Tim Keller writes, “There are two factors for having this so-called new idealism. The first is physical attractiveness and sexual chemistry. In other words, the other person (you would marry) has to be extremely physically attractive. Secondly, compatibility. Compatibility means ‘you want someone who has the willingness to take you in as you are and not change you.’” That sounds like narcissism, not a desire for compatibility.
Another unbiblical reason for staying single is simply because you don’t want to be bothered. You cherish independence more than anything in life, and simply do not want the hassle of accommodating another person who might, God forbid, interfere with the way you live to please yourself. By the way, that happens too often in marriage. A woman said to her husband, “Bob, the problem in this marriage is that both of us are in love with the same man.” In order to be the single or married person God has called you to be, you have to lay down your independence altogether.
The single man or woman is in the unique position to only be concerned with how to please the Lord. And those folks are greatly used by God. I think of John Stott, single his whole life, pastoring and writing books that shaped the Christian landscape until his death in 2011, at 90. His message and ministry still speak. I think of Gladys Aylward, tiny little lady, never married, who served as a missionary to China in the 1900’s. She shared the Gospel with untold thousands, rescued orphans during the Japanese invasion, and traveled the country to let women know that the barbaric practice of foot-binding was no longer the law of the land.
Singleness requires self-control. Those with the gift of singleness are not extra-terrestrials who have no desire for physical intimacy. They have been given a different gift from God, and with that, abundant grace to be able to live celibate lives. Paul adds that those who cannot exercise self-control, should marry.
Finally, John Piper has this encouragement to single Christians: “As long as you are single, this is your calling: to so live for Christ as to make it clearer to the world and to the church: That the family of God grows not by propagation through sexual intercourse, but by regeneration through faith in Christ; that relationships in Christ are more permanent, and more precious, than relationships in families; that marriage is temporary, and finally gives way to the relationship to which it was pointing all along: Christ and the church — the way a picture is no longer needed when you see face to face; and that faithfulness to Christ defines the value of life; all other relationships get their final significance from this. No family relationship is ultimate; relationship to Christ is.”